Wednesday, November 25, 2015

'Tis the season

buffet
{thanksgiving buffet 2012, dad's cornbread stuffing front and center}

Rationally, I knew that the holidays would be hard this year. And yet I was still sort of surprised to find myself hit with all this emotion as they approach. I know. It makes no sense. I guess I thought since I was prepared for it I'd be okay.

And I am okay, for the most part. I'm feeling it out as I go along and trying not to approach the holidays with any expectation of how I'm going to feel. I want to somehow hold onto some of the things that I love about this time of year but at the same time not expect myself to do much. I've had practice at this because the holidays have been bittersweet for several years now. We've spent them in the hospital, or at home but between hospital stints. We've learned to stay flexible and just appreciate whatever time we get together. I'm grateful for these lessons, thankful that I can look back and know that I was fully aware of how sweet those moments were, even when they were hard won. I've been humbled, taught that plans will fall apart and it doesn't matter if you're eating store-bought cookies instead of handmade pies, as long as you're together. But this year we won't all be together. And that somehow has to be okay too.

After a lot of thought we decided to skip Thanksgiving this year and just go camping again. I tear up at the drop of a hat these days and I don't think I'd be a great addition to anyone's table. But more than that, I think I just need some quiet to think and enjoy my memories, settle within myself as we move into this time of year.

I want this season to be quiet but not sad. I want it to go slowly, to not feel frantic. This is the first time I won't hear my dad's voice on Thanksgiving, the first time we'll celebrate his birthday without him, the first time I won't see him on Christmas Eve. I spend a lot of time flipping through old photos, remembering.

And so I'm not buying gifts (but we don't do much of that anyways, so that's not a big change). I got myself some yarn to crochet an afghan, even though I haven't done that in years. A project sounds cozy. I'm going to make some cookies, although definitely not as many as last year. I'm even going to decorate a little, I think. I'm going to spend time with family and friends but also make space to be alone.

I'm going to try to get back into taking pictures, and into writing here. No promises! But I do miss it and I want to be back, even if it's sporadic.

Happy Thanksgiving, everyone! Eat some pie for me. And I have more Thanksgiving posts than seems humanly possible, so if you're looking for actual food/drink, you can click on the "holidays" tag or search "Thanksgiving" to see previous years.


21 comments:

  1. Sending alot of love your way Rachel. A longtime reader, my heart broke when reading all the things you will miss this year w/o your Dad present. xx

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  2. I enjoy your blog so much. How uplifting it is to read that you know how to treat yourself over the holidays and that the lessons you've learned are put to use. That is a beautiful thing. Peace and love,
    Megan
    Megan

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  3. Rachel, I love this post. I reached out to you when you posted about losing your dad and here I am again, compelled to do the same. I, too, am about to go into the first holiday without my mom and I feel so much of what you are feeling. So glad you are creating an escape for yourself this weekend. Thank you for your honesty and vulnerability.

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    1. Huge hugs, lady. I hope you're taking care of yourself as best you can.

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  4. Lovely, honest words. Sending good feelings your way.

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  5. Thinking of you - it's a hard time, and you're wise to take time for yourself. As always, your writing is beautiful.

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  6. Sending you so much love, Rachel. <3

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  8. Hi Rachel, fairly new reader here(discovered you about 1.5y ago and read your blog back to front, I love your writing style and the topics you choose to write about).
    I wish you all the best in these difficult weeks (months, years?) to come. I cannot even begin to imagine how it must feel to go through these times without someone you so deeply love(d), but I am sure D will be there for you, as will your family and friends.
    I obviously don't know you, but you seem to have some good people in your life - this is the time to lean on them; be it with homemade or storebought cookies ;-)
    Take care and I will you all the best,
    Loes (Belgium)

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  9. Thank you again for your blog, and lots of love to you this Thanksgiving.

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  10. What a lovely post. I'm a longtime reader but first time commenter. Thanksgiving was long a very hard holiday for me to celebrate due to circumstances similar to yours. You're doing such a smart thing in just taking your time. Do something good for yourself or others and slowly, you'll want to celebrate something again. The pies will be there when you're ready!

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  11. Sending you all the best wishes and cheerful thoughts for this first new year. Stay well and remember to smile. x

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  12. Sending you a hug and lots of positive vibes!

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  13. This will be my second Christmas without my dad and I know just how you feel. So far the holiday season has been no less difficult....just different somehow. Hang in there xo

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  14. This will is the 7th holiday without my dad. I want to tell you that it gets easier with time and all sorts of cliche things. Instead I will tell you that an afghan project sounds lovely as I'm making a scarf. Virtual hug!

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  15. Longtime reader sending love, light and warmth as you head into the season. Beautiful, beautiful post.

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  16. I'm so glad to hear you're returning to your readers - I've opened your blog often looking for new posts and am happy to hear you're back! Wishing you peace and joy this holiday season from Oakland :)

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  17. I saw this and thought of you:
    http://magazine.good.is/articles/best-comment-ever
    Hope you're doing well, best wishes to you and yours!

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  18. Hi Rachel - I've been reading your blog for so many years now, but have been so busy and haven't had time to ready anyone's blog (let alone update mine) for months. I'm so sorry for your loss. My father passed away on the 14th of November, after being ill the last 5 years. You will be in my thoughts this holiday season.

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